Today I realized I'm not happy, and I haven't been for quite some time. When did it get this bad? When did I lose sight of who I am and what makes me happy? Drew makes me feel like myself in everyday possible way, and maybe thats because he's the only one here who knew me back then. He is the only one in this town who understands me, and who wants to be in my life, and I am absolutely terrified of losing that. In an effort to hold on to him as tightly as I can, I've been pushing him away. I get upset, and clingy over the smallest and dumbest things, all because I'm holding on too tightly to the one thing I care about most. In the process I'm losing him, and doing everything that I would hate as well if the situation was reversed. And thats just it, I'm doing it and I know I'm doing it, yet for some reason I can't control it or stop it. I also hold on to him because he's all I have. I have no friends to balance the time with. I can't just say "okay babe I'm going out with the girls tonight, see you later!" because deep down i know if i don't go out with him, ill stay home alone. I have the fakest friends on planet earth. the kind that talk shit behind your back but kiss your ass in person. They never invite me out unless its out of obligation because i happened to be in the room when they were making plans. When I do go out with them, its miserable. Im out of the loop and i honestly feel like a journalist, constantly asking questions and prying for information just to understand their inside jokes and stories. Im tired of pretending to like my sorority, I'm tired of walking around a house of strangers who are my so called "sisters." Im tired of feeling like there has to be something wrong with me, or some reason why someone doesn't want to be my friend, or let alone my best friend. All i want in this life is a best friend to share it with. Someone that will text me all day, hangout and just do nothing with me, someone to act crazy with, someone like my best friends from high school. But honestly I have no one like that, no one even remotely close to that fantasy. And I've started to believe i don't deserve that. Im awkward and anti-social now. Ive gotten so used to not having a group of girl friends that I've forgotten how to meet people, how to make friends. Now I'm just a wet blanket, even my boyfriend can admit to that. But now i just sit and spin my tires. You need to go out and be social and fun to meet friends, but you need friends to go out with to have fun. Its a never ending cycle and I'm drowning in it. The only person I like going out with nowadays is Drew and I'm the one person he doesn't want to go out with. He has the perfect college experience that Ive always dreamed of and I'm jealous of that. He has the friends, the roommates, the parties, the apartment, the everythinggggg i want. And what do I have to show for any of this life? Im a sophomore in college and i can't name one friend i have made here that i honestly think ill stay friends with after college. I used to dream of making the friends that will be my bridesmaids some day, what a joke that turned out to be. Ive been here for two years and I'm googling single apartments for next year because i have no one to live with. I have nothing, I have no one. Why don't i belong here? why don't i fit in anymore, i used to be so social and fun in high school. Now, I'm just broken, but i have to pretend to everyone else that I'm okay.