Yesterday was easily one of the worst days I have experienced so far in my 19 years on this earth. Yesterday I realized Im alone, REALLY alone. I realized I have not one person who genuinely wants to spend time with me, and I mean not just because they feel obligated or they feel bad for me. I realized yesterday I don't even have Drew anymore. I spent all day crying in my room alone. My friends were all out together and Drew was mad at me and ignoring me. I decided that I wanted to smoke hookah in my room alone to try and relax, and when I went to his house to pick it up, he was having a party. One that  I was purposely not invited to. I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest. A feeling I have never quite so prominently. He awkwardly invited me in and I had no choice but to join the party in my pajamas with no bra, no make up, and eyes sore from crying. I sat in the corner while no one talked to me, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I had crashed my boyfriends party that I wasn't wanted at. Apparently all his friends think I'm boring and always sad, but how can I be any different in a situation like this one? As they were all leaving to go to the next party, all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive away as fast as I possibly could, only to find that my car had died & was out of gas. If I was not mortified enough everyone at the party watched as the boys had to push my car back into a parking spot. Drew yelled at me and said I ruined his night and now he had to stay and help me, which just hurt me more. Luckily his friend had a car, and his friend Taylor took me to get gas, while Drew returned to his friends. At that moment, I realized I had no one. I have no one that thinks of me first when they plan a night out, no one who thinks to invite me or even who cares if I am alone on a Saturday night. I went home and packed all my things as fast as I possibly could. All i wanted was to go home. All i wanted was a hug from my family, and to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about me. I planned to drive all night and surprise my family in the morning when I arrived. I drove for about an hour each way in the pitch black night. I drove as fast as i can, screaming and crying at the top of my lungs, a moment I will never forget, and a feeling i truly believe was rock bottom. My eyes were tired and sore from crying, so after about an hour, I decided to turn back, another moment I wish i could undo. I drove to Drews and he was waiting up when I got there, he didn't seem to think he did anything wrong, and i just kept crying and crying only making him more angry. We continued the talk this morning, and I truly believe I've lost him. i believe my hole is so deep that i can't climb out. I believe that he won't give me a fair chance to change, and that I will end up alone. He is so convinced that I'm ruining everything, when all i want is for him to WANT to spend time with me, something that makes me very happy. I don't know what i should do, i know he is unhappy so maybe i should let him go. He is so much better off without me, yet its so hard because he is the one thing i have that makes me happy. He can't even spend a whole day around me anymore. Everything in my life is crumbling beneath me. I need someone to talk to, someone who will be my friend all the time, not just when its convenient for them. I just need to feel wanted, and loved.

Today sucks. Ive been alone all day while my supposed "friends" all spent the day together. I tried to go watch the football game with some people but my terrible mood just got the best of me. Drew is mad at me and ignoring me, but i guess i don't blame him. It just sucks that I'm pushing away the one person i need most right now. I wish he'd invite me out tonight i could use a night of fun, but deep down i know ill be sitting right here in my bed. My mom said i need to find a roommate for next year because we can't afford it otherwise, so basically, im screwed. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck everyone. Fuck today.

Today I realized I'm not happy, and I haven't been for quite some time. When did it get this bad? When did I lose sight of who I am and what makes me happy? Drew makes me feel like myself in everyday possible way, and maybe thats because he's the only one here who knew me back then. He is the only one in this town who understands me, and who wants to be in my life, and I am absolutely terrified of losing that. In an effort to hold on to him as tightly as I can, I've been pushing him away. I get upset, and clingy over the smallest and dumbest things, all because I'm holding on too tightly to the one thing I care about most. In the process I'm losing him, and doing everything that I would hate as well if the situation was reversed. And thats just it, I'm doing it and I know I'm doing it, yet for some reason I can't control it or stop it. I also hold on to him because he's all I have. I have no friends to balance the time with. I can't just say "okay babe I'm going out with the girls tonight, see you later!" because deep down i know if i don't go out with him, ill stay home alone. I have the fakest friends on planet earth. the kind that talk shit behind your back but kiss your ass in person. They never invite me out unless its out of obligation because i happened to be in the room when they were making plans. When I do go out with them, its miserable. Im out of the loop and i honestly feel like a journalist, constantly asking questions and prying for information just to understand their inside jokes and stories. Im tired of pretending to like my sorority, I'm tired of walking around a house of strangers who are my so called "sisters." Im tired of feeling like there has to be something wrong with me, or some reason why someone doesn't want to be my friend, or let alone my best friend. All i want in this life is a best friend to share it with. Someone that will text me all day, hangout and just do nothing with me, someone to act crazy with, someone like my best friends from high school. But honestly I have no one like that, no one even remotely close to that fantasy. And I've started to believe i don't deserve that. Im awkward and anti-social now. Ive gotten so used to not having a group of girl friends that I've forgotten how to meet people, how to make friends. Now I'm just a wet blanket, even my boyfriend can admit to that. But now i just sit and spin my tires. You need to go out and be social and fun to meet friends, but you need friends to go out with to have fun. Its a never ending cycle and I'm drowning in it. The only person I like going out with nowadays is Drew and I'm the one person he doesn't want to go out with. He has the perfect college experience that Ive always dreamed of and I'm jealous of that. He has the friends, the roommates, the parties, the apartment, the everythinggggg i want. And what do I have to show for any of this life? Im a sophomore in college and i can't name one friend i have made here that i honestly think ill stay friends with after college. I used to dream of making the friends that will be my bridesmaids some day, what a joke that turned out to be. Ive been here for two years and I'm googling single apartments for next year because i have no one to live with. I have nothing, I have no one. Why don't i belong here? why don't i fit in anymore, i used to be so social and fun in high school. Now, I'm just broken, but i have to pretend to everyone else that I'm okay.

So, for starters, I've never done this before, nor do I know how to do this. By 'this' I mean talking about my problems, well that is except to the one person who this all stemmed from. I guess you could say I put all my eggs in one basket, and along the way I lost myself. Im now attempting to find out who I am again, I forgot what it is like to just be myself, and make myself happy without relying on him. For three years I let him define my happiness, and at some point I forgot that you are the only one that can create your own happiness. I am going to start writing in this virtual journal in hopes that if my thoughts are written down they will somehow lead me in the right direction to becoming myself again, and to becoming happy on my OWN. First things first is personal affirmations, I WILL be okay, I AM amazing, and most of all I DO deserve better.